Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Peaceful Waters

I heard from somewhere that when you grieve it comes in waves.  I think that is a very fitting analogy for grief. I have live many years in California, but I grew up in Arizona, so waves are not something I like to be in. I'm more of a swimming pool kind of girl.  The waves are a bit scary, they take you places you don't want to go, and one can come on you and be much bigger than was anticipated.

Today was one of those days when an unexpected wave of grief came.  I was listening to music on the way to work, my mind not really on anything, and I burst into tears.  Huge, sobbing tears.  I couldn't really see, so I was thankful that the car in front of me was going rather slow.  Then the tears stopped.  I found the tissues, dried my eyes and drove the rest of the way to work.  But my frame of mind was scrambled, my thinking unclear. I was touchy and easily frustrated throughout the morning, but dry eyed. I thought I was ok.

Four hours later, I took my class to our weekly chapel time.  Once again, a wave of grief washed over me.  I asked someone else to watch my class, ran to my classroom and sobbed my eyes out.  I managed to calm down after about a half hour, but all I really wanted to do was go home, get in a hot bathtub and have a cup of tea. It was hard to stay focused the rest of the day.

On the long drive home, I was listening again to some music, and a song came on about God being near.  I wondered, will You really be near as I grieve over my grandson?  I did not hear a voice answer, did not have an instant feeling of peace, but the words that came to my heart and mind were, "God will provide."  

For today, that is enough. I know the waves of grief will continue to come for months and I think again of what it says in Psalm 56:8, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected my tears in a bottle, you have recorded each one in your book." I could not do this without God, and at the end of the day, in the midst of grief and sorrow and not understanding, I am thankful that I have a God who will hold me, hold Kristin, Glenn and Branch, and will be there to provide.

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