Making Memories

In the 34 years since I've been married, there have been various fads that have come and gone on ways to keep memories.  Realize, that this was before cell phones, digital cameras, and easy to use home computers.  (How did we live??) One of the first waves of memory making was making some kind of stitchery. Almost every other young mother I knew had needlepoint and cross-stitch "stuff" everywhere you looked.  I tried, I really did.  I bought kit after kit of cute things I was going to make for my kids.  I eventually threw them all away.

The next big craze, that I remember, was photo memory books.  There were classes and groups and more paper, punches and stickers, then anyone could possibly use.  I have a lot of friends that were very, very good at that and have beautiful photo-storybooks throughout their homes.  My daughters even have a talent for that. As for me...well, all those photo memory books I bought are still sitting unused in a box somewhere along with boxes of photos that are still not sorted. 
When it comes to chronicling memories, I feel as if I fail miserably. But, I do not fail to make memories.  I loved spending time with Kristin and Baby Murdock. Here are just a few of the memories we made.

  Work and Play

I enjoyed going to Kristin's house on the train to help do anything I could. The train ride up the coast was relaxing, and cleaning a house that is not your own is not difficult to do.   
I did a little bit of laundry.  A mother's love knows no bounds. (I really dislike doing laundry).

We went to the beach.  Kristin lives less than a mile from the beach.  She goes almost every day.  We went three or four times.  The baby loves to be at the beach!

 

We ate out a bunch of times.  Chick-fil-a, Nordstrom Cafe, Boudins Bakery.  I think I gained 5 pounds being out in California.

Nordstrom Cafe in downtown SD. Kristin, me, carrot cake, Diet Coke and sunshine!

We went to tea at a place called Shakespeare's Corner Shoppe and Afternoon Tea. It was actually the best Tea I have ever had.  It was great to be with Glenn's mom, Janice, and Kristin.  Janice and I obviously have a lot to bond over besides our great kids.  I so appreciate her support and love for Kristin. 

 

 We went to a sonogram appointment with Kristin and Glenn.  This was a bittersweet moment for all.  Kristin and Glenn had a certificate for a 4D sonogram and invited us to come before we left.  We could see the baby's face, legs, arms, fingers,  toes, hear the heartbeat.  Such a beautiful, strong child, so alive in mama's womb. It's hard to comprehend that we will not know our grandchild for very long. 

But then I was comforted when I remembered what David wrote in Psalm 139:15, " My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body." He knows us all, He holds us in His hands.  He will carry us through all of this be it joy or sorrow,  and give us those precious times to continue making memories.

Kristin's blog  

 

Giving Hope to the Hurting

You keep track of all my sorrows.

You have collected all my tears in your bottle.

You have recorded each one in your book.

Psalm 56:8

 

 

What do I say?

People often do not know what to say when someone is hurting, especially when the hurt comes from a death.  When I was 18, my dad left our family, when I was 32 my mom died of cancer.  I didn't know how to share these events with others, and if and when I did, responses ranged from sympathetic, to downright insensitive.
This has also been true with the diagnosis news of Kristin's baby.  People have said some very strange and insensitive things to us (the grandparents).  I'm known for being blunt and putting my foot in my mouth and I've probably said some things that are hurtful too.  But, rather than focus on the hurtful comments, I will focus mostly on the various responses that have touched my heart and given me comfort during this time.

Friends indeed...

It's very difficult to tell people this news.  I told everyone at my work that I was going to join the ranks of those who are grandmas.  That was the last day of school, and since then there has been the diagnosis. Since no one was at work at that time, I had to call my friends and let them know the news.  Here are some of the responses that deeply touched my heart...

• One of the first friends I called could tell something was wrong from my voice.  When I told her the news, all she could say was she was sorry, and she started crying with me. I was deeply touched and felt deeply loved.  She was living the truth of a verse in 1 Corinthians 12 which says, "If one member suffers, all the other members suffer with it."
• Another best friend at work just had her first grand baby.  When I called to congratulate her and tell her how beautiful the baby was she asked, "Is it ok that I talk about her?  Does it hurt you or bother you that I have a grandchild?"  How very sensitive, to think of me and my pain and want to help to ease the burden. (So far, it's not difficult when others have grandchildren. I want to rejoice with them!)
• Another friend at work said, "I can't imagine what you are going through.  I tend to talk too much, so if I do tell me to be quiet and if you just need a hug come and tell me and I will give you a hug."  Again, so compassionate.  I have tears in my eyes while I'm writing this just knowing God has surrounded me with people who will care for me this year.
• A friend from church: This wonderful lady lost 2 children when she was young.  She doesn't talk much about her loss and seems to have an amazing perspective of this since she is now retired and a grandmother herself.  She told me she was thankful that she had the experience of being pregnant and feeling life grow inside of her. It is a comfort to see someone who has experienced such great loss be able to focus on the blessings amidst the loss. Those words give me hope.
• I clicked with a new gal from church over quilting.  Since the diagnosis she has shared with me that she lost a baby.  She is a great listener and a very kind and sensitive person.  I thank God that he sent her to live in Maryland.
• Some other random people that have been kind were the manager of our house (as a side note, we just found out we have to move because the owners want to sell).  We asked the manager for one more month to get it together, explained why we were in California, and then he softened.  He and his wife also carried a baby to term with a fatal diagnosis.  So he knows personally the pain we are talking about. Another random person was a jeweler we know.  His son also lost his first born and he looked at us with such compassion and just said, "I'm so sorry. I know how difficult this is." 

We all experience loss all the time. From broken friendships, losing a favorite pet, death, losing a job, the list could go on and on.  When someone is going though a difficult season in their life, I often don't say anything, because I just don't know what to say.  Or, to show my selfishness, I don't think their loss is that significant and in my head I say, "Just get over it.  It's no big deal."
I am discovering that as I  face this that a hug or simple words like, "I'm so sorry," are enough.  That helps me to know you are thinking of me and especially thinking of Kristin and Glenn. Also, if I say I'm having a hard day, just leave it at that.  That is my way of saying, I can't really cope with this emotionally today so just let me get my work done without really thinking. 
Just two things of what not to say: (and I have been guilty of this, so I speak from experience.)  Please don't tell me (and especially don't tell Kristin and Glenn if you know them) about someone else who had it much harder because their baby... You know what I mean, stories that are even sadder.  It only increases the pain, and it doesn't  acknowledge the pain that we are facing at this moment.  Also, don't say, "I know someone who...and they have 3 healthy children now." I know those words are meant to be hopeful, but they again don't acknowledge the importance of this baby's life right now and how much we want to love and cherish every moment possible.
As I close, I'm including 2 links below.  One is an article I read that gives great ideas on how to help those who are hurting. The other is Kristin's blog. Thanks for reading, thanks for caring.  

Kristin's blog

Comforting hurting people 


 

 

Blessings

        

I could easily focus on how sad this journey is for me, but one of my purposes in writing is to share how I have been able to find joy in the midst of everything. So today I am writing about just some of the blessings that I have experienced since the diagnosis.

Carrying to Term

The first blessing came from the courage of Kristin and Glenn to carry this baby to term. There happens to be a great book for parents (and anyone else associated with a baby with a fatal diagnosis) entitled A Gift of Time, Continuing Your Pregnancy When Your Baby's Life is Expected to Be Brief, by Amy Kuebelbeck and Deborah L. Davis, PhD.  On page 20 the authors write, "Instead of trying to fight your baby's impending death, you can put your energy toward embracing your baby's life.  Instead of thinking about giving your baby a long life, you can start considering how to give your baby a good life.  ... in this situation that feels so out of control, you can see that there is still a great deal you can control.  You still have a profound opportunity to protect, welcome, and love your baby for as long as your baby is able to live."
Because of this attitude, Kristin and Glenn are a joy to be around.  They are embracing life and loving this baby to the fullest extent that they can.  I am very thankful for them.  On the same note, as mom of Kristin, I cannot express how thankful I am for Glenn and what a wonderful husband and man he is.  They have known each other since they were 14 and started dating when they were 16. I am so very blessed that he is a part of our family now.

 Kristin and Glenn at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory!

Spending Time in San Diego

My husband and I and  one of our daughters have been living in Maryland for the past six years.  There has been a lot of visiting back and forth over the years between the three of us and the four that live on the west coast.  We love coming back to visit and love having anyone come to visit us.  After the diagnosis, I wanted to spend more time with Kristin just to love and support her in whatever way I could.  I was able to spend the last month here because I am a teacher, (love those summers off!), and because the house we own out here happens to be empty right now.  (bad-no rent, good-free place to stay!) It has been such a blessing to be here and spend extra time with family and friends.  Being in San Diego weather instead of Maryland weather has been a great blessing too!

Sunset at Moonlight Beach, Encinitas

 The Blessing of Family

At my niece's wedding

 I really love my family!  I have a great husband and four great girls.  I really love and enjoy being around all of them as well as my son-in-law Glenn, and Corrie's steady boyfriend Duane.  We have had a lot of great times together this month.  The news of the baby has brought us all closer as we share our grief and our support of one another.  I am thankful that I have been here to listen and cry with my girls whom I don't get to see that often. On the flip side, I am thankful for their love and support of me. 

Family Bike Ride in Coronado

 The Blessing of Faith

Long, long ago, I made a decision to  believe that Jesus was God's Son and that through believing in him, I would become one of God's children.  Like anyone, there have been many ups and downs in my life, but my very imperfect faith in the perfect God has remained constant.  
Since the news of the baby I find that I am experiencing both sadness and joy with a depth I have not previously experienced in my life.  I sometimes cry and can't really put into words the reason for the tears.  I could be hurting because I know my child is hurting, hurting because of the pain I know will come, hurting because at this time we won't have a grandchild to spoil.   But then I find that joy comes each day in many ways; the beauty of a flower, a gentle breeze, the sound of the waves, the song of a bird, laughing children being amazed at the sight of the ocean or going for a ride on the train.  Through the sadness and the joy I know that I have not been left to handle this alone.  There are many verses that bring me comfort. One of them is from Isaiah 43:1-2 "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned..."

Thank you

I have only written once and lots of people read my thoughts and gave me very encouraging comments.  Thank you for reading.  I appreciate this way of being able to chronicle my journey down this path.  So until next time, I hope you too will take time to notice the many blessings of your life.

Becoming a Grandma 

The News, part 1, April 2013

Last April I had the chance to run in the inaugural Nike Women's half marathon. The thrill was not that Nike came to Washington DC, or that I got a Tiffany's necklace at the end, but that my eldest daughter, Kristin, came all the way from San Diego to run the race too!  We love seeing her, we miss her (and her husband Glenn, and our other children) so it is a great treat when anyone travels 3,000 miles to come see their parents.
On top of the thrill of seeing Kristin, she shared some news with us that first night.   "Mom," asked my dear firstborn, "are you ready to have a new name?" I was a little slow and had no idea what she was talking about. "Are you ready to have the name of grandma?"
She videoed my response, and I reacted in disbelief, I was sure she was kidding.  My kids often tease me and I tend to be rather gullible.  I think it took about a minute to realize she was serious and I let out a scream of joy.  
This is our first, and as a new grandma, I was thrilled.  I had strict orders to not tell anyone until she was over the 3 month mark, and I sort of kept my word.  I told three of my friends who were also thrilled for me.  
As the three month mark passed, I shared the great news with more and more people.  It was so fun to share the news at work (I'm a teacher).  I was the 8th staff member to become a grandma this year.  Everyone told me it was the best thing ever.  Nothing can compare.  As my husband's parents used to tell us, it was a lot of fun to have grand-kids, spoil them to pieces, then give them back!! (Usually on a sugar high, from what I remember).

                             Chris and Kristin, Washington DC, April 2013

 The News, part 2, June 2013 

On June 17th I got this text from Kimberly, daughter # 3 (I have 4!)
"Mama! Kristin just found out it's only $100 to find out the gender.  I'm pitching in $25.  Want to help us?!? I want to know the gender!"  
Of course we helped.  Thrill of thrill.  The appointment was set for June 27th. I was teaching summer school at the time and sent Kristin and Glenn a message to call me as soon as they knew.  I did not want the news from a text, but to be thrilled with them voice to voice!
July 27th came, and Kristin sent this text, "Hey Mom are you still at work?  We just left our ultrasound-there is some sad news-call me when you can."
My heart sank, my eyes filled with tears. These were words I knew did not bode well.  I called my dear daughter, and with tears she shared that her sweet little baby had a condition called anencephaly. I actually knew what this was, and knew it was a fatal diagnosis.  The tears, I am not sure I have ever cried so many.  And as a mother and a new grandmother, I could not even express my grief.  There were no words, I  was hurting for my daughter and her husband,  hurting for me and my husband, and  hurting for all my other daughters.  
My journal 3 days after this news said this:
"I'm not at a place where I can pray yet at all.  I'm not mad at God. I know He will use this in some way to bring our family and others closer to Him.  I do ask why.  Why a couple who is so great and would make such great parents not going to get that right now?" 

To help me process this journey, I started this blog.  This is my first entry. After writing and reliving this bit of the journey, I am a bit tired. This will be a difficult journey for our family.  Kristin and Glenn have chosen to love and care for this baby (a boy!) as long as they can.  In future blogs I will share about that courageous choice.  Thanks to all that listen and read this.   

information about anencephaly anencephaly.net